Being a Mom

Being a Mom is so much different than what I expected. Don't get me wrong, there are things that I thought would be, but they weren't 100% true. I knew at the beginning it would be hard. And sure enough it was hard. But I didn't think it would be that hard. Bela's first couple of months were exhausting. Sleep deprivation was the key word. Juan and I were just going on fumes. It was tough, the long nights especially when I was trying to breastfeed were tough. I would be up for almost 2 hours with the whole ordeal and as soon as my head hit the pillow and I drifted off to sleep, I would have to get up and start the process all over again.
I also didn't expect how much I would just get it done. There have been plenty of nights that I wish I didn't have to get up or didn't think I could drag myself out of bed and then *poof* up I got, alert and ready to be by her side. This was especially true when Juan was away. I just did it. I don't know, I guess its just quite extraordinary when you look back and realize that you got through some of those difficult times and it didn't hurt you, it made you all the more stronger and confident to move forward.
I didn't expect her to be so ... so alive. I can't pick a better word but I mean more than a beating heart, more than blood pumping and oxygen flowing, but a real person. I wasn't around babies a lot growing up, so I wasn't exactly sure what to expect. But her personality is coming through and she's already showing me her amazing life. Through every laugh, giggle, frown, smile, quizzical look, squawk and squeak I can really see her.
And she changes every day, telling me what she likes and what she doesn't. This keeps me on my toes. I have to keep adjusting to her behavior. This also makes me question my ability as a Mom. Just the other day I was questioning whether or not I was reading her signals right. But sure enough I was. She was fine and we were fine.
Overall, motherhood has really shown me a different side of myself. One that I didn't think I had. One that motivates me. One that has me growing as a person, but keeps me grounded all at the same time. One that inspires me.

To my own Mother: You are a strong and independent women who has always been there for me through thick and thin, even when you thought you weren't. Your everyday strength and love inspires me.

To my Grandma Schollen who passed away this past Christmas: You were one unique lady. You allowed me to cheat at crib and to wear matching clothes even if you had to wash everything I owned. I will always remember the aroma and taste of your linguine, pork chops and gravy, banana cream pie and banana bread. You made me the baker that I am today.

To my Grandma Kendall: You are also one of the strong women in my life. Your love of nature and the simplicity of things grounds me.

To my Step Mother Olwyn: You are another one of the independent women in my life. Your drive and confidence in who you are encourages me.

A mi suegra Carmenza: Tu eres la mujer mas amorosa y comprensiva que conozco. Tu vida es un ejemplo para guiar mi vida.

To all the mothers in my life: Have a Happy Mother's Day, knowing that you are strong, confident and inspiring. You are what makes this world go around.